When “I’m Fine” Isn’t Fine

We’ve all said it: “I’m fine.”

Two words that sound stable, strong, and reassuring. Two words that allow us to move through our day without uncomfortable questions. And far too often, two words that are simply not true.

Across my career in psycho-oncology, mental health, and trauma research, I’ve seen countless people—patients, caregivers, parents, professionals—use “I’m fine” as emotional armor. Not because they’re lying, but because they think they have to be okay. They believe strength means smiling through fear, suppressing sadness, and packaging their pain into something more palatable for the people around them.

But forced positivity isn’t strength.
It’s survival mode.
And eventually, it breaks.

The Tyranny of Forced Positivity

From illness to divorce, from trauma to everyday stress, the pressure to “stay positive” shows up everywhere. You’ve heard it:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “Look on the bright side.”

• “It could be worse.”

• “Just focus on the lesson.”

These phrases sound supportive, but they often do the exact opposite. They override legitimate emotional pain. They teach people—often from childhood—that fear or sadness makes them weak, dramatic, or ungrateful.

Even high-profile figures prove the limits of this mindset. Simone Biles’ decision to step back during the 2020 Olympics was a global reminder that emotional honesty is more courageous than emotional suppression. Her success in the 2024 Games wasn’t in spite of her vulnerability—it was because of it.

Her message was clear:
You can’t outperform your emotional reality. You have to face it.

Where This Pressure Really Comes From

Our culture didn’t wake up one day and decide to worship positivity. It was built over decades: 

• The self-help movement of the 1930s and 1950s preached that optimism was the key to success.

• Corporate wellness programs embraced positivity as productivity.

• Social media curated a world where everyone appears happy, polished, unbothered.

• Many spiritual traditions equated positivity with faith or moral strength.

 We inherited these expectations. And now we live with the consequences.

The Hidden Costs of “I’m Fine”

After completing my fellowship at the National Cancer Institute, I learned a powerful lesson from Dr. Jimmie Holland, founder of psycho-oncology. In her book The Human Side of Cancer, she warned about what she called “the tyranny of positive thinking.”

She observed that cancer patients often felt responsible for their outcomes—believing that if treatment failed, it was because they weren’t positive enough. This assumption is not only scientifically false; it’s emotionally devastating. It adds shame to suffering.

And it doesn’t just happen in medicine.
People suppress emotions in marriages, caregiving, parenting, work, and friendships. They carry the added burden of protecting others from their truth.

Research confirms that emotional suppression increases stress, anxiety, and depression. It damages communication and erodes relationships. And eventually, it erupts—often in disproportionate anger, withdrawal, or conflict.

Not because people are broken.
But because emotions demand to be felt.

Tools to Break the “I’m Fine” Cycle

If you’re tired of forcing strength, here are three science-backed strategies that help people begin healing from a place of honesty, not performance:

1. Practice Emotional Flexibility

All emotions are temporary. If you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself: I won’t feel this way forever. This softens the internal pressure and prevents you from getting stuck in one emotional state.

2. Journal Without Judgement

Spend 10–15 minutes writing exactly what you feel—uncensored. Research shows expressive writing improves emotional regulation and reduces distress.

3. Embrace “Both/And” Thinking

You can feel grateful and scared.
Hopeful and exhausted.
Strong and struggling.
Emotional complexity isn’t failure—it’s humanity.

Final Thoughts: Healing Begins with Honesty

You do not heal by dismissing your emotions.
You do not grow by pretending.
You do not build resilience by faking strength.

Progress—real, lasting progress—happens when you allow yourself to feel the full range of your emotions and stop apologizing for them. Healing is messy and nonlinear, but it becomes possible the moment you stop saying “I’m fine” and start telling the truth.

Because you’re not meant to be perfect.

You’re meant to be real.
And real is where healing begins.